The post in which I confess my deep dark dirty feelings for my friends food storage

We have Netflix instead of cable because I am cheap and I hate commercials.  Which leads to obsessions with things like Dr. Who, Revolution, and Doomsday Preppers.  Shows I would probably never watch if we had cable.  Wait, I would most certainly end up watching Dr. Who because I am a hipster or married to one.  No, we are here to discuss Revolution and Doomsday Preppers.  We are here to discuss how I have deep feelings for my Mormon’s friends Shelf Reliance shelves and her secret room where she keeps buckets of grains and beans.  Dude. It really is a secret room.  It has a secret door.  It looks like a normal door.  But, I promise it holds secrets.  I want Food Storage. I want my spare room to hold obscene amounts of food. I want to be like my mom and buy cans of mandarin oranges and yell at the kids when they give them away to the food bank.  (When you are a kid and the food bank comes, aren’t you suppose to off load all the stuff your mom buys that you don’t like? Sorry again mom. I am so sorry.)  I have a strange inner conflict with purchasing things like spam and beefaroni.  I don’t like that stuff.  (My friend with food storage doesn’t either.  I think.  Maybe she hides it.)  Honestly if I could convince my husband, meat wouldn’t be here.  But, you know he could die without it or something.  So for now, I think I will work on food storage and toilet paper storage.  I wanted to add a link to Food Storage Made Easy and not because I will get anything from that.  In fact, they seem like nice girls that probably don’t need a sailor mouthed dready girlfriend. But, their site is pretty cool and if you like spreadsheets, they have one.

Shit I should stock up on in case some minor catastrophe happens and we aren’t raptured but still need to eat and probably have electricity and the boiler is still running and the radiators are still working.

  1. Shelf stable almond, rice or hemp milk. (I occasionally eat dairy.  It makes me snotty and achy and then I feel stupid.)
  2. Pasta
  3. Grains (we like Jasmine Rice, Brown Rice, and Oats.)  I like Quinoa, but not sure how much of that to stock.  I mean people will eat it if they are starving right?  It’s costly, too.  But, maybe one day if I have enough I can barter with a foodie.  Hell maybe I should stock up on dehydrated duck fat.
  4. Sauce for all that fuckin’ pasta & that horrible dried cheese my kids like
  5. canned fruit and veggies
  6. canned soup and chili
  7. Taco Shells and Tortillas
  8. Salsa because we eat a gallon a week
  9. Chips, Pretzels and animal crackers
  10. Biscoff (because it is THE SHIT)
  11. toiletries and paper products like diapers for my toddler who refuses to stay dry all night.  The nerve.
  12. Cleaning Wipes because SeriousHousewifeBusiness insists
  13. K-cups because I went all hipster and got my husband one for his birthday (although let’s be real.  I am the only person who cleans up the coffee mess.  Every time I looked at the coffee grounds and water strewn all over the counter I got mad.  Like maybe I have a problem mad.  Like maybe I sat and thought about why in the world did I ever get married and maybe I shouldn’t be a housewife etc.)  So, I bought a Keurig.  Anyone can make coffee now.  My coffee budget is ginormous but it is so much cheaper than the meds I was going to need.
  14. nut butter and jelly and honey
  15. baking stuff like flour, sugar, yeast
  16. spices and powdered onion and garlic and SALT
  17. Ramen
  18. cornbread mix
  19. instant coffee
  20. cold cereal
  21. mac and cheese
  22. tomato products
  23. cakey things in boxes
  24. Chocolate of some sort
  25. I am starting on filling up my freezer.  I have been picking up meat in the mornings when they mark it down.  Plus, veggies, some freezer meals, breads and maybe juice.
  26. canned coconut milk
  27. I don’t usually keep things like canned meats or boxed casserole dishes on hand.  But, I have been thinking it might not hurt to have some of that.  I can always give it to the foodbank if it gets close to expiration.
  28. Dog and Cat stuff like food and catnip and wee pads.  This is a 3 month list.  I have a pug.  I am just happy she uses the wee wee pad.

The Mother Fucking Oh My Word The Shit Really Did Hit the Fan & We Need To Live Underground Wish List

  1.  Move in with SeriousHousewifeBusiness unless I have my Shipping Container Commune up and running because then that Bitch knows she can move in with us.
  2. Thrive dehydrated foods. Heck even the ice cream sandwiches because that just seems mean to do to children.  What other kinds of entertainment will we have?
  3. Buckets of food
  4. Hand crank grinder (we have enough extra bicycle around to child power the thing)
  5. Water, water purifiers and a Berkey
  6. chickens
  7. sheep
  8. knitting needles and a spinning wheel because it gets cold here and we need socks
  9. Underwear
  10. Reuseable Period Care
  11. Heating kinds of stuff for food and our bodies.  I haven’t lived in a cold place since I was a young child who just knew her mom took care of everything.  It gets cold here and the house we rent has a boiler and rads.  If we build our own shipping container commune here, it will have some sort of stove heat and solar stuff.  Because dude, it is my list.  When I was a little girl I dreamed of all sorts of stuff.  But, shipping container commune wasn’t anywhere close.
  12. A real dog.
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